All over red rover

It's been a sad couple of days after a lot of soul searching but it does appear that my challenge is over. When I made the decision to take on the challenge it was with a number of factors in mind - I had a team mate to take on the challenge with; I was going into a much better financial position and so it was part of a social responsibility; I had been improving in my health; and, my studies were looking to be strong.

Now, I don't have a team mate, I am still sick, my job has fallen over (the work I did drove the change to abolish my position - go figure, you can actually do yourself out of a job by working hard) and the subject of my research paper for uni has lost interest in my studies.

So it's back to survival mode where I just have to find a way to get through the day while saving as much money as I can until I catch the next wave of stability - turns out this wave was a huge flop. My mindset has changed from the beautiful mantra Jason gave me a few days ago to this - Life's Lessons: Hope only ever leads to devastation. When you're on your own it just sucks.

I'm back in the office today attempting to hold it together in the knowledge that I only have a few weeks left here and yet I am working on future engagement strategies - an insane waste of energy given they are scaling back engagement and yet it fits so well with the APS's ability to maintain bureaucracy for the sake of bureaucracy.

Living as a blue collar born and bred in the white collar world is just too hard when you have no-one to help you up when you're feeling down or being fucked over. So it's time to return to the ranks of unskilled labour where people tell it how it is rather than get your hopes up for something that was never going to be. I wish they never found my tumor and that it ran its course - my life has been a series of battles and failures ever since and yet I'm told I should be grateful I still have it? I have nothing to be proud of and even less to be grateful for.